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post #1 of 15 (permalink) Old 05-20-2008, 03:12 PM Thread Starter
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Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 1,387
Tools and their uses

From www.standardshift.com - hopefully this isn't a repost.

All those who have worked on . . . anything will get this.

DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock
out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer
across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilizer which you
had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them under the workbench with the
speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from
fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh sh--"

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:
Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old
age.

SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into
major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It
transforms human energy into a crooked, predictable motion, and the more you
attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing
else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to
the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES:
Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense
welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop
on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of
which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for
testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed
your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4:
Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack
handle.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:
A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in
bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good
aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can
after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot
to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER:
A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined
screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS:
See hacksaw.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be
used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted
screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you
needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a
kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object
we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered
to your front door; works particularly well on contents such
as seats , vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines
, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts . Especially useful for slicing
work clothes, but only while in use.

DAMMIT TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling
"DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool
that you will need.


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post #2 of 15 (permalink) Old 05-20-2008, 03:19 PM
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Re: Tools and their uses

isn't that hydraulic floor jack description the truth. When lowering the front end of the speed3/lowered Mz3...I've had many a times have to grab my spare floor jack to rescue the primary jack.


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post #3 of 15 (permalink) Old 05-20-2008, 03:23 PM
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Location: Dallas, TX
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Re: Tools and their uses

*sigh* you're bringing back bad memories of the few items I have used on your list.


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post #4 of 15 (permalink) Old 05-20-2008, 03:24 PM
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Re: Tools and their uses

I'm pretty sure I've used the Dammit Tool a few times.

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post #5 of 15 (permalink) Old 05-20-2008, 03:25 PM
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: St. Louis / Bourbon, MO
Posts: 25,357
Re: Tools and their uses

They forgot one:

SAE Sockets:
Used to remove rounded out metric nuts or bolts. You weld the socket to said nut or bolt, and then throw away both once removed.

A revolution gets its name by always coming back around in your face.
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post #6 of 15 (permalink) Old 05-20-2008, 03:41 PM
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Re: Tools and their uses

FOOT SHEAR:
Used to cut sheet metal into any convex quadrilateral except a square or rectangle.
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post #7 of 15 (permalink) Old 05-20-2008, 04:08 PM
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Location: Ellicott City, MD
Posts: 9,451
Re: Tools and their uses

Crap with the exception of a couple of the tools such as an oxy-acetolene torch which I have never used, and a band saw which I have never used on metal almost all the rest have happened at least once to me.

I have learned a great technique for getting pop rivets out with a power drill. You just get something that you can place against the rim of the pop rivet to put in some good friction and then force it down while drilling it out. Its usually enough to get the bit to bite without simply spinning the pop rivet. Down side is sometimes it doesn't work and sometimes if you slip with the pressure on the rivet you just shoved your hand/item/tool into a fastly spinning drill bit. This is how I have broken a drill bit (the only drill bit I have ever broken)...fortunately with pliers and not with my hand (ouch).

The blood blisters and pliers is the God's honest truth. I've done that at least a dozen times before, even when wearing gloves.
-Matt
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post #8 of 15 (permalink) Old 05-20-2008, 04:16 PM
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,276
Re: Tools and their uses

Being a mechanic, I definately LOL'd at this one.
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post #9 of 15 (permalink) Old 05-20-2008, 07:35 PM
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Location: Riverside and San Francisco
Posts: 5,642
Re: Tools and their uses

Tools: Up whoever you hate's ass
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post #10 of 15 (permalink) Old 06-18-2008, 06:07 PM
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 186
Re: Tools and their uses

[quote author=johnf514 link=topic=112384.msg2329070#msg2329070 date=1211310745]
From www.standardshift.com - hopefully this isn't a repost.

All those who have worked on . . . anything will get this.

DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock
out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer
across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilizer which you
had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them under the workbench with the
speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from
fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh sh--"

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:
Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old
age.

SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into
major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It
transforms human energy into a crooked, predictable motion, and the more you
attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing
else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to
the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES:
Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense
welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop
on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of
which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for
testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed
your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4:
Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack
handle.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:
A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in
bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good
aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can
after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot
to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER:
A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined
screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS:
See hacksaw.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be
used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted
screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you
needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a
kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object
we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered
to your front door; works particularly well on contents such
as seats , vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines
, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts . Especially useful for slicing
work clothes, but only while in use.

DAMMIT TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling
"DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool
that you will need.
[/quote]

LOFL!!!

+++1

MODS PLEASE DELETE MY ACCOUNT! NO LONGER A MEMBER NOR MAZDA OWNER.
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