to be, or not to be, in a friend's wedding.... - FMVperformance.com : The site for all your Ford Mazda and Volvo needs
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post #1 of 31 (permalink) Old 07-08-2005, 11:18 AM Thread Starter
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to be, or not to be, in a friend's wedding....

ok, I need some help making a decision...

A friend of mine is getting married in September. The wedding is out in Montana (where I lived for a while) and I live in the DC area. So I booked flights and hotels for myself and my girlfriend. I've got a lot of stuff that I want to see and do, and had put together a nice little vacation. Flying out thursday afternoon, wedding on Saturday, flying home Tuesday morning. I booked my travel about a month ago and everything was cool.

Last night I was talking to my friend, and he asked me to be in the wedding. This is a really good friend of mine, and we've managed to stay in contact since I moved back to DC 5 years ago. I'm flattered and honored that he asked me, but I said no. I'm going to be in 3 weddings this summer, and it's getting to be a bit much. Plus, it really eats into my vacation. There's the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner, so that pretty much kills all of Friday afternoon and evening. Then the wedding is in the mid afternoon, but I would need to be there pretty early (based on my experience with this kind of thing) so that takes care of Saturday as well and leaves me with Sunday and Monday to do all of the things I wanted to do. I was planning on heading down to Yellowstone for a day, and then going north into the Bridger mountains for some hiking, as well as roaming around town. That's a lot to cram into 5 days, let alone 2 and a couple of mornings and I really don't want to spend my whole vacation in a rental car trying to get to all the places I want to go. To top if off, my girlfriend doesn't know anybody there or how to get anywhere and I would hate to just ditch her for, essentially, the better part of a day and a half.

When I first said no, he was very understanding. He understood that I hadn't planned on being in the wedding when I made my travel plans and that it would prevent me from doing a lot of the things I wanted to do. He also understood that I'm getting pretty "wedding'd out" this summer. Like I said, this is a good friend of mine and we don't play games with words. If one of us says something, the other knows that they're being honest.

But still, I can't help but think that he probably felt dissapointed about it. And, to be honest, I feel a little bad about it myself. A wedding is one of the biggest days of someone's life and to be asked to participate is a big honor. Maybe I'm being selfish about it, but it's my vacation, too, and I don't get to take many of them. (I love how my company enticed me with 4 weeks paid vacation and the keeps me too busy to use it). If he had asked me from the beginning, that would be different, but I made my plans without that consideration. I'm not "pissed off" about being put in the position, but I'm not sure what the word would be to describe my feelings. Maybe I'm pissed off at the position I'm in, not at him for putting me in it.

Do I stick with my decision to not be in his wedding? Am I being too selfish? If so, should I call him and offer to do it? It's not that I don't want to do be in his wedding, it's that I don't want to be in any wedding under these specific circumstances. But I don't want to damage what has been a great friendship, with one of the few people that I genuinely get along with.

Why couldn't he have just asked me from the beginning? It would have made this all so much simpler.
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post #2 of 31 (permalink) Old 07-08-2005, 11:54 AM
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Re: to be, or not to be, in a friend's wedding....

why was he asking you now? was somebody else supposed to be in it and they backed out? if that's the case then it's not so bad to say no...otherwise i would probably call him up and say you'd thought about it and feel bad about saying no and if he still wants you in it you'd do it. chances are he'll say don't worry about it and you'll both feel better about the situation. either that or he'll say great and you'll be stuck but if that's the case i'd ask if it was possible to bring your gf to the rehersal dinner because it wouldn't be fair to her to leave her alone in a strange place...that's what i'd do


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post #3 of 31 (permalink) Old 07-08-2005, 12:34 PM
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Re: to be, or not to be, in a friend's wedding....

I suppose to me it would be a question of "how close am I with this person?". I would feel bad about saying 'no' either way, but especially if this person was one of my very close and best friends. I liked the way you put it into perspective, about it being one of the biggest days of your friend's life, and putting myself in your friend's situaton, I would be a little bit hurt and dissapointed.

Also, think about it this way: You lived in Montana, and chances are you will be able to be back again. Yellowstone, the Bridger mountains, and Montana will be there for quite a while, but your friend will (most likely ) only get married once. It's a tough decision, but if it were me I would have accepted the offer; I'm not trying to make you feel bad, only sharing what i would have done.

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post #4 of 31 (permalink) Old 07-08-2005, 12:46 PM
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Re: to be, or not to be, in a friend's wedding....

I hear ya,

I got a call from a friend to be in his wedding in Hamilton I live in BC(thats about the same as your DC to Montana). I told him sure but I need to bring my 2 year old daughter. He said fine but then never mentioned it to his "wife". So I book my flight, get fitted for the tux, get everything in order. He calls me and tells me that he forgot to tell her and she is fuming(I'm like ??? its a 2 year old) and he proceeds to ask me if I can not bring her....(nope I'm going to see family there too that haven't met her and I havent seen in 5 years)

Then he tells me what about a babysitter as they are gonig to have one at the clubhouse that the wedding is at(cuz she doesn't want to have a kid wedding) I'm like sure if its right there and i can check on her. Then he says no they are full so it would have to be at some remote place with a stranger to my daughter...ugh. I was on the verge of saying tell your "wife" she's a scumbag and say the reason the only friend of your "husband" that can make it out there for his wedding isn't coming because you can't deal with having 1 very silent kid at your wedding. Then he says they can have a babysitter at the hotel i'm staying at so she's in a somewhat familiar room with a trusted babysitter instead. And the hotel is only 5 minutes from the wedding.

Anyhow, don't feel bad about not being in the wedding party as he should've asked you WAY earlier.

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post #5 of 31 (permalink) Old 07-08-2005, 01:50 PM Thread Starter
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Re: to be, or not to be, in a friend's wedding....

Thanks for the replies...I'm still not sure what I'm going to do but I'm still thinking about it. As far as people saying he should have asked me earlier, I agree. In my mind you would only ask someone 1.5 months ahead of time if someone else dropped out. I would be an asshole to ask him if that's why he asked me, but I can't help thinking that's the case. I can understand him waiting to see if I was actually going to be there before asking, but he's known that I'm coming for a month or two. I suppose it's also possible that his fiance really wanted to add another bridesmaid and now he's stuck trying to find another guy for his side. Women are like that...
guy: "honey, this doesn't make sense...it's too late to ask people to change their plans"
girl: "Why are you trying to ruin my special day. IT'S MY DAY, DAMMIT!"
guy: "yes dear. can we have sex now?"
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post #6 of 31 (permalink) Old 07-08-2005, 03:21 PM
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Re: to be, or not to be, in a friend's wedding....

wow do you always have to write a book everything you post....haha


anyways i dont know what to say, i would kinda feel bad about saying no but you already made your plans and like you said he didnt ask you in the beginning.

i say stick to your plans or later ask him if he found someone else, if he is still haveing a hard time finding someone to fill in then maybe i would do it.


but do your thing, like you said your doing 3 weddings this summer, thats a lot, i would go crazy doing that many....lol


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post #7 of 31 (permalink) Old 07-08-2005, 03:38 PM
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Re: to be, or not to be, in a friend's wedding....

i hate weddings ....

**and you thought that wouldn't get removed?
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post #8 of 31 (permalink) Old 07-08-2005, 03:38 PM Thread Starter
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Re: to be, or not to be, in a friend's wedding....

Quote:
wow do you always have to write a book everything you post....haha
I think it was Ben Franklin that said "excess verbiage has no virtue"...I clearly don't subscribe to that.

Besides...it's either post or work, and I don't much care for working.
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post #9 of 31 (permalink) Old 07-08-2005, 04:01 PM
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Re: to be, or not to be, in a friend's wedding....

[quote author=bookeem link=topic=25037.msg338810#msg338810 date=1120851490]
i hate weddings ....
[/quote]

weddings rock....free food, sometimes free booze...and the women all dressed to kill


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post #10 of 31 (permalink) Old 07-08-2005, 04:02 PM
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Re: to be, or not to be, in a friend's wedding....

food, i have plenty at home, booze, im not a drinker, women dressed to kill, but with out a killer body, i dont care if there undressed

**and you thought that wouldn't get removed?
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