In 2008, I will be 35. I will be old enough to be President. Therefore, I am officially announcing my candidacy. Here's my platform:
1) Anyone who gets pregnant while on welfare will immediately be removed from the welfare program. You shouldn't have time to have sex, you should be getting a job.
2) I will end all foreign aid. We have starving people in the United States. We have homeless people in the United States. Why help others instead of helping ourselves? You don't see me maxing out my credit card to buy groceries for every house in my neighborhood except mine.
3) I will pressure Congress to pass legislation that puts a cap on gasoline profits. They can mark it up x%, not a penny more. They get their profits, we stop getting screwed.
4) All trade laws will mirror the trade laws of the country with which we are trading. They mark up American cars 200%? We mark up their cars 200%. Once they chill out, so will we. Period.
5) No longer will we be the World's Policeman. Got an issue? Here's a tissue. Learn to fend for yourselves. It's not our problem until it's our problem, and when it becomes our problem, see:
6) If an issue arises where our military needs to be used, we will use every ounce of military might that we need to. There will be no pussy-footing around. If the situation requires 30,000 soldiers, we'll send 60,000. Or maybe 100,000. The more overwhelming the force, the less of our soldiers will need to die. Think about it: Would you rather fight 30,000 or 100,000 troops? Exactly.
7) Abortion will be 100% legal and allowable. HOWEVER, insurance will NOT be allowed to pay for it, the only exceptions being if the woman is raped, or if it is a risk to the mother's life. If the woman in question is using abortion as a means of birth control, she will be required to go through 6 months of counseling afterwards at her local planned parenthood provider. If again she needs an abortion, the price just doubled, and the extra money goes to support orphanages around the country. Really, there are condoms available, people. Use them.
8) Convicted of a crime? No more "time off for good behavior." I'll push for stricter sentences, actually... You should have behaved well BEFOREHAND. Prisons crowded? Guess what? Montana, Wyoming and Alaska are all pretty empty, I'm sure we can build more.
9) Get your wife/girlfriend pregnant? Before you can claim that kid as a tax deduction, you get to attend parenting classes at your local community college!
Both of you.
10) For every year someone is in the military, they get one year subsidized college education, paid for by the government. Serve four years in the service? Get free college. I don't care how expensive the school is: If you are smart enough to get in, it's obviously going to be money well spent.
11) The border between our country and Mexico will be shut down. If you are here illegally, you have ONE YEAR to get your citizenship and be a productive member of our society. After that one year, you are given the boot, and are not allowed to come back to this country for ANY reason (even the death of your siamese twin brother) for TEN YEARS. "Who will do the cheap, low paying, shit jobs?" Guess what? Take away the cheap labor, and lo and behold, wages will increase. Sure, grapes might jump from $1.99 a pound to $2.19 a pound, but it would be worth it.
12) Over 70? Yearly eye exams and driving tests. Every three years, you must provide a note from your doctor that you are mentally and physically able to control a motor vehicle.
13) Convicted of murder and sentenced to death? You have 3 years in which to file any and all appeals. No more dragging this shit out for 20 or 30 years... I didn't see you giving that privledge to your victim, motherfucker.
14) "Cruel and unusual punishment" does not apply to the following:
Terrorists. I reserve the right to make you live in a one room shack and blow it up when you least expect it, asshole.
Petty theft: Nothing wrong with having to stand outside the store you shoplifted from wearing a sign that says "I stole merchandise from ..." That includes you, Wynona. You bitch.
Rape. Convicted using DNA evidence? 100% guilty? Kiss 3/4's of your wiener goodbye. You'll have enough to hold and aim, no more. And "deez nutz" would be chopped. Tough shit.
Child molester? Death. End of story.
15) Taxes: The government will tax everyone the exact same percentage. 18%, 20%, 22%, whatever the percentage, everyone gets charged the same. No breaks, no special deductions for charity... If you really support the charity, you would give 'em money anyway. The only allowable deductions are dependents.
16) Gay marriage: I would eliminate the term "marriage". It is a religious term, and if you need a religious ceremony, go to your church for it. "Civil unions" will be the only thing recognized by the government. I don't care if it's man-woman, man-man, or woman-woman, they all get the same rights. There will still be no polygamy. The way I see it, everyone has the right to be happy, and if you find someone you want to spend your life with, then you have that right. No one is asking any of you to have a same sex civil union yourself, so what's the big deal?
17) The drinking age will be lowered to 18 across the board, however, anyone below 21 will need to attend a safe drinking course and get a drinking licence and present it for any alcoholic beverage. Do something stupid while being under the influence, your licence is revoked. Drive drunk? Lose your driver's licence for one year. Do it again? Lose it for five. Do it again? Permanent. Drive a car anyway? Go to prison. I'm not fucking around. I'm not dying for your good time.
As I think of more points, I will add them. Anyone interested in assisting my candidacy, let me know. Think I'm full of shit, that's ok too. It's a free country.
(I was just told I need to address medical coverage and social security... I need to research them more first.)