Funny List Jokes - FMVperformance.com : The site for all your Ford Mazda and Volvo needs
 
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post #1 of 9 (permalink) Old 02-28-2005, 04:34 PM Thread Starter
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Funny List Jokes

Post in here some funny lists like...

The World's Shortest Books
25. My Plan To Find The Real Killers By O.J. Simpson

24. The Catholic Guide To Great Sex

23. To All The Men I've Loved Before By Ellen Degeneres

22. The Difference Between Reality And Dilbert

21. Human Rights Advances In China

20. Things I Would Not Do For Money By Dennis Rodman

19. The Wild Years By Al Gore

18. Amelia Earhart's Guide To The Pacific Ocean

17. America's Most Popular Lawyers

16. Career Opportunities For Liberal Arts Majors

15. Detroit - A Travel Guide

14. Different Ways To Spell Bob

13. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection Of Motivational Speeches

12. Easy Unix

11. Ethiopian Tips On World Dominance

10. Everything Men Know About Women

9. Everything Women Know About Men

8. French Hospitality

7. George Foreman's Big Book Of Baby Names

6. How To Sustain A Musical Career By Art Garfunkel

5. Mike Tyson's Guide To Dating Etiquette

4. Spotted Owl Recipes By The Epa

3. Staple Your Way To Success

2. The Amish Phone Directory

1. The Book Of Virtues by Bill Clinton

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post #2 of 9 (permalink) Old 02-28-2005, 04:34 PM Thread Starter
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Funny List Jokes

How to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity in the Workplace
1) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

2) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after you boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender.

3) Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-cha."

4) Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

5) Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much since you did this.

6) While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Madge.

7) Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.

8) Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.

9) Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask them if they want fries with that.

10) Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

11) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.

12) Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN."

13) Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.

14) Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunch room. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."

15) Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.

Mazda3 2.3 Titanium Gray
Tint 60/Rest Limo | Umnitza SRI | Red Brake Calipers | TWN Short Shifter | Draxas Cat Back with High Flow Cat | 18" Niche F-16's with Kuhmo ASX 225/40/18's | Kenwood 915DVD Headunit | Escort 8500 Radar | CompuStar 2WSS-AS | MTX 1501d* powering RF 12" Power HX2 | HP-152.27 TQ-148.67 |
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post #3 of 9 (permalink) Old 02-28-2005, 04:58 PM Thread Starter
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Expressions For High Stress Days
1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

2. Well, aren't we just a ray of fucking sunshine?

3. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.

4. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?

5. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

6. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.

7. Do I look like a fucking people person?

8. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

9. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

10. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

11. I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.

12. You! Off my planet !

13. Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.

14. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.

15. I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.

16. If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.

17. The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.

18. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

19. I wish for a world of peace, harmony, & nakedness.

20. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

21. Let me show you how the guards used to do it.

22. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

23. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

24. See no evil, hear no evil and date no evil.

25. Allow me to introduce my selves.

26. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

27. Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."

28. Better living through denial.

29. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

30. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

31. Do they ever shut up on your planet?

32. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.

33. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.

34. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

35. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

36. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

37. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

38. Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?

39. Back off! You're standing in my aura.

40. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.

41. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!

42. One of us is thinking about sex... OK, it's me.

43. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?

44. I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?

45. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

46. It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.

47. I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.

48. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

49. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

50. Okay, okay, I take it back! UnFuck you!

51. Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.

52. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

53. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

54. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

55. Just smile and say "Yes, Mistress."

56. Chaos, panic, & disorder -- my work here is done.

57. Mommy, I wanna grow up to be a neurotic bitch just like you.

58. A woman's favorite position is CEO.

59. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

60. You look like shit. Is that the style now?

61. This is a mean, fucking cruel world & I want my nappy & medication right now!

62. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.

63. Earth is full. Go home.

64. Is it time for your medication or mine?

65. Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?

66. Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?

67. I plead contemporary insanity.

68. And which dwarf are you?

69. I refuse to star in your psychodrama.

70. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

71. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

72. It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.

73. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

74. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

75. Gene Police!!! Get out of the pool!!

76. When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.

Mazda3 2.3 Titanium Gray
Tint 60/Rest Limo | Umnitza SRI | Red Brake Calipers | TWN Short Shifter | Draxas Cat Back with High Flow Cat | 18" Niche F-16's with Kuhmo ASX 225/40/18's | Kenwood 915DVD Headunit | Escort 8500 Radar | CompuStar 2WSS-AS | MTX 1501d* powering RF 12" Power HX2 | HP-152.27 TQ-148.67 |
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post #4 of 9 (permalink) Old 03-02-2005, 04:41 PM
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Re: Funny List Jokes

Quote:
Originally Posted by "RaGe"
The World's Shortest Books

10. Everything Men Know About Women

9. Everything Women Know About Men
Funny cuz it's true!

Eat right, exercise regularly, die anyway.
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post #5 of 9 (permalink) Old 03-02-2005, 04:46 PM
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Funny List Jokes

Conversely, the world's *longest* books are:

"Everything Women Think They Know About Men"
"Everything Men Think They Know About Women"


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post #6 of 9 (permalink) Old 03-02-2005, 04:51 PM Thread Starter
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Funny List Jokes

How about some lists guys

Mazda3 2.3 Titanium Gray
Tint 60/Rest Limo | Umnitza SRI | Red Brake Calipers | TWN Short Shifter | Draxas Cat Back with High Flow Cat | 18" Niche F-16's with Kuhmo ASX 225/40/18's | Kenwood 915DVD Headunit | Escort 8500 Radar | CompuStar 2WSS-AS | MTX 1501d* powering RF 12" Power HX2 | HP-152.27 TQ-148.67 |
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post #7 of 9 (permalink) Old 03-02-2005, 05:00 PM
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Funny List Jokes

Bumper Stickers

1. Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.
2. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
3 If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.
4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?
5. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
6. Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.
7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A
Little Better.
8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
9. Thank You For Pot Smoking.
10. To All You Virgins Thanks For Nothing.
11. If At First You Don't Succeed...blame Someone Else And
Seek
Counseling.
12. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".
13. If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
14. Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
15. It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The
Booger.
16. If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
17. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
18. The Earth Is Full - Go Home
19. I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha
20. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
21. So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time
22. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
23. If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
24. The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
25. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
26. Illiterate? Write For Help
27. Honk If Anything Falls Off
28. Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes
29. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next
Exit
30. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
31. You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
32. I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
33. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
34. It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now
35. I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere
36. If You Can Read This, The Bitch Fell Off... [Seen On The
Back Of A Biker's Vest]
38. Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
39. If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over... [Seen
Upside Down, On A Jeep]
40. Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed
For 70mph.
41. Guys: No Shirt, No Service Gals: No Shirt, No Charge [Reported
To Be Seen On A Restaurant]
42. If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman
Look Like Jabba The Hut?
43. Necrophillia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A
Cold One.
44. Ax Me About Ebonics
45. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
46. Boldly Going Nowhere
47. Cat: The Other White Meat
48. Caution - Driver Legally Blonde!
49. Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That
50. Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal
Friends
51. Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
52. How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He
Is Lost?
53. If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With
Bullets.
54. Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In
Touch
55. Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got It!
56. Warning! Driver Only Carries $20.00 In Ammunition
57. What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull
58. Peta - People Eating Tasty Animals


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post #8 of 9 (permalink) Old 03-04-2005, 07:08 PM Thread Starter
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An Anagram, as you all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are exceptionally clever. Someone out there either has way too much time to waste or is deadly at Scrabble. When you rearrange the letters:

Dormitory .................................. Dirty Room

Evangelist................................. Evil's Agent

Desperation.............................. A Rope Ends It

The Morse Code..................... Here Come Dots

Slot Machines......................... Cash Lost in 'em

Animosity................................ Is No Amity

Mother-in-law..........................Woman Hitler

Snooze Alarms........................ Alas! No More Z's

Alec Guinness......................... Genuine Class

Semolina................................... Is No Meal

The Public Art Galleries......... Large Picture Halls, I Bet

A Decimal Point...................... I'm a Dot in Place

The Earthquakes.................... That Queer Shake

Eleven plus two..................... Twelve plus one

Contradiction......................... Accord not in it

PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA......................... TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

Mazda3 2.3 Titanium Gray
Tint 60/Rest Limo | Umnitza SRI | Red Brake Calipers | TWN Short Shifter | Draxas Cat Back with High Flow Cat | 18" Niche F-16's with Kuhmo ASX 225/40/18's | Kenwood 915DVD Headunit | Escort 8500 Radar | CompuStar 2WSS-AS | MTX 1501d* powering RF 12" Power HX2 | HP-152.27 TQ-148.67 |
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post #9 of 9 (permalink) Old 03-04-2005, 07:13 PM Thread Starter
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20 Things To Do In A Drive Through Lane


1. Stand close to the speaker and yell your order, using colorful expletives in ways which would embarrass the patrons inside.

2. Drive through backwards.

3. Belch your order.

4. After ordering, cover the speaker and mic with transparent tape. Watch as customers and order-takers are unable to hear each other and, thus, each raises his/her volume.

5. Barter. Offer a Whopper for a Big Mac.

6. Walk through.

7. Speak a foreign language (make one up if you have to). When the manager comes to the mic, speak English and inquire as to why the order taker had such difficulty understanding you.

8. Repeat everything the order-taker says.

9. Attempt to take the order-takers order ("Hi, may I take your order?&quot before they get a chance to take yours.

10. Order confusing items, i.e., "Hi, I'll have a large orange Coke and a small medium fries, please."

11. In a crowded drive-thru line, place a HUGE order, then slip out of line and watch the fun as the person behind you is handed 40 bags of food.

12. When you arrive at the window to pick up your food, hand them several bags of garbage & ask if they'll dispose of it for you. Make sure it smells.

13. Drive through with a carload of naked people.

14. Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order-taker will think there is a problem with the speaker and ask you to order at the window. When you arrive at the window, speak in the same garbled, incomprehensible fashion.

15. Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food.

16. Bring along a Mr. Microphone. When the order-taker speaks, aim the mic at their speaker but do so while aiming the Mr. Microphone speaker at the mic to produce excruciating feedback of their own voice.

17. One word: Flatulence!

18. Have a friend hide in the trunk. When you approach the window to pickup your order, have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk.

19. If you are a male, have a female friend place the order by speaking VERY seductively and suggestively into the speaker. When she finishes, have her hide and pull up to accept your order. See how many of the order-takers fellow employees have been called over to the window to "check out the babe".

20. Change a flat tire in the drive-thru lane.

Mazda3 2.3 Titanium Gray
Tint 60/Rest Limo | Umnitza SRI | Red Brake Calipers | TWN Short Shifter | Draxas Cat Back with High Flow Cat | 18" Niche F-16's with Kuhmo ASX 225/40/18's | Kenwood 915DVD Headunit | Escort 8500 Radar | CompuStar 2WSS-AS | MTX 1501d* powering RF 12" Power HX2 | HP-152.27 TQ-148.67 |
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