Kids or Not? - FMVperformance.com : The site for all your Ford Mazda and Volvo needs
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post #1 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-12-2005, 01:05 PM Thread Starter
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Kids or Not?

Ok, here is the problem I am having...

When my fiance and I first met he said he didn't want more kids, he already has an 8 year old girl from his previous marriage. I was totally cool with that as I do not want children either. Now that we have been engaged for 2 months he has suddenly decided he wants children (a few years after we're married).

This apparently is a common issue that many couples face, and one that can sometimes destroy marriages through resentment and feelings of loss over not reproducing.

I mean there are really only two options, either he stays with me. I should note here that he said he never wanted more kids, but he loves me so much and would love to start a family with me, and that is why he decided he wanted children. Or, option 2 is we break up and hopefully he finds another woman he is madly in love with AND wants to have kids.

Would you risk breaking up with the woman you love and want to marry for the chance to have children?

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post #2 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-12-2005, 01:10 PM
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Kids or Not?

I wouldn't, but my situation skews my view a bit. Both my wife and I don't want to have kids. Maybe one day we'll change our minds, but we want to enjoy our marriage and spoil ourselves with all the toys we couldn't afford on our own (really big TV's, a nice car, etc.)

If you don't want to have kids, then don't. Perhaps when you're married and your relationship continues to evolve, you will change your mind. Until then, stick to your original intent of not having kids. You can always change your mind... but once you have the kids, you can't send them back.

Eat right, exercise regularly, die anyway.
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post #3 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-12-2005, 01:14 PM Thread Starter
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Kids or Not?

I agree with you on the wanting to be spoiled adults. That is part of the reason why I don't want kids, I just know for some people this is a huge issue and I am worried about how this will affect our marriage. Will he be resentful if he starts to really want children but I still don't? It just doesn't seem like you can win any way you go.

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post #4 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-12-2005, 01:19 PM
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Kids or Not?

I'm afraid I have to agree with you... that's a tough one. Maybe you should really consider talking to your fiance about it. I usually discuss the "big" topics in bed before we go to sleep. Just seems like a relaxing time to discuss important matters without being distracted by other things.

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post #5 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-12-2005, 02:12 PM
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Kids or Not?

i dont want to have kids at least for 5 years or so once i lock down....


but best thing is to sit down and talk about it, thats not going to hurt anything....


but they way things work people can change their minds fast, you may say you dont want any but you could change... those are the things you got to talk about, if he loves you and what not he would wait till you wanted kids or just respect what you want.


just talk it over!


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post #6 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-12-2005, 03:12 PM
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Kids or Not?

I really really want kids, so I'm on the other side of the issue. I'd rather have a couple of kids than a big screen tv (in reference to being spoiled), although I DO love a nice HDTV and will be perfectly happy if my SO brings one home one day. I just can't imagine a life without a family, some baby taking his or her first steps, saying mommy for the first time, etc.

My mom told me one time that she didn't want kids growing up, she'd had enough around b/c her mom was a foster mom, but I guess she got married and my dad wanted them so they ended up with me and my sister. If you really don't want kids, you have to talk to your fiance about the situation. Something I always find out about someone before dating is whether they will want kids or not b/c I know I won't change, I want a kid and it'd be pointless for me to date someone who didn't.

Is there any chance you will change your mind in a few years?

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post #7 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-12-2005, 03:31 PM
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Kids or Not?

If he really 'loves you so much' then he would want what would make you happy as a married couple... who knows, maybe your view of having a child will change after being married for a few years.

I know how you feel about kids... my mom is the most amazing woman I know... she had four of us kids and was stuck at home as a housewife, never got to have a life of her own, she never did anything for herself, and she always tried to give us everything we wanted. (order stuff for us from Speigel and then have to face my dad bitching at her when the bill came in the mail) I swore I would never end up like her, stuck at home raising little brats whom half of them still do not appreciate her in the end.... so that is why I never wanted to have kids. You just have to really be frank with him about it, and see where it goes from there.

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post #8 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-12-2005, 04:37 PM
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Kids or Not?

I knew when I was 18 that I didn't want any kids. My friend who has 3 was convinced I would change my mind and it didn't happen.

I think it is something you just know deep down inside. I didn't stay with one guy because he wanted kids. He has now found a really good woman that he married and I think they are perfect for each other.

Just talk about it...open lines of communication are the most important thing in a relationship.
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post #9 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-12-2005, 06:39 PM
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Kids or Not?

i just dont want kids right away cause i wanna travel the world, cant enjoy that with having to worry about kids.... but later on i would love to have kids.


just not right away.


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post #10 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-12-2005, 07:33 PM
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Kids or Not?

my thoughts are dont have kids unless you can afford them.. there a big ass investment with no reward back.. money wise..

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