Speed cameras. Damn them I hear you say. To avoid that nasty fine and points on your licence, I have an easy to follow solution. Using the simplest of modern technology, the latest biotech engineering, the most evolved computer in the world, and a fully re-programmable system that will seldom, if ever, let you down, try this...
It's called your right 'foot'. It's that dangly thing with five very short finger-like things that hangs from the bottom of your right leg. Simply connect it to your inbuilt PC (the brain, that's that squidgy grey thing inside your skull), which in turn is connected via a complex system of nerves and other electro-chemical-bio bits and pieces eventually ending up back at your right foot.
Using your extraordinary stereoscopic vision, simply read the road ahead using your 'eyes', and in conjunction with an extraordinary fiscal layout of £1.49, you can purchase a little road bible. Having read its sacred texts, (which will take you all of about an hour) you may be able to recall the sacred scriptures that let you know all about speed limits, and rules (the things we shouldn't break) and other important stuff. It's a shed load of information, called the 'Highway Code.''
Once you put all of the above items together, and learn how to multi-task and co-ordinate the above systems, there is a very strong possibility that you might learn to avoid those nasty camera things that beforehand you would have missed, and avoid having to lose your money.
It also might save you getting points on your licence, (unlike the show, points DON'T make prizes). If you get caught speeding, remember that old Chinese proverb - 'Tough'. What is so difficult about checking your speedo? 17-year olds can do it on their test! You've passed your test I hope? It's not rocket science is it? No-one told you to speed! No-one forced you to speed! No-one held a potato gun to your head! No-one would get there that much quicker, would they? No-one forced you to kill someone's daughter/son/father did they? If you drive for a company, the company pays for your time, they don't pay you to speed!
Not speeding does not induce any physical pain, Honestly, I've tried it. I don't have high blood pressure, I'm relaxed, I have no points on my licence, I haven't given the police or the government any money - and I manage to get to work on time (relaxed).
There's no stress, no worries, no speeding tickets! Oh, and by the way, I haven't killed anyone. Go on, save a life, DON'T SPEED. Never think 'it won't happen to me', because it probably will.
Graham Bowen - [email protected]
This was even longer and far more patronising before we toned it down - Ed.
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