That sure didn't take long.
Dealership couldn't do anything for me. Tires are just through the manufacturer. Turns out it punctured the sidewall so there's nothing they can do to fix it. Since the tires are so new I get a 50% prorated deal from Goodyear. It's still gonna cost 80-something bucks for one new tire, though. Since the tire model is so new they have to bring them in from California. At least Discount Tire got me a loaner in the meantime so I'm no longer rollin on a Krispy Kreme.
Chupa my foo.