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post #1 of 18 (permalink) Old 05-01-2010, 03:35 AM Thread Starter
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ladies, I need your advice!

with permission, I've come to the ladies of M3F for some advice. I am really hoping that your input can really shed some light on my situation coming from the feminine side of things.

In October of 2008, I made two of the worst decisions I have ever made all on the same day. I quit my job of four years and left my fiancee of 3 years. It has led me to a place in my life that I'm not happy with at all, and I am unsure what steps I need to take to reverse my fortunes.

First the background, Brittany and I had a very good relationship for the most part. We never really fought, we gave each other plenty of space so we were never growing tired of one another. We both understood that while we had friends together, it was important for us to have friends of our own as well. We were together for about 9 or 10 months when I popped the question. After a few months we decided to move in together. Unfortunately, she was unwilling to leave her younger brother alone in the house with her Mom's boyfriend (they HATED each other). So as a compromise, we moved in with her Mom. The plan was to move out once TJ had graduated, all while putting our money away to save for a nice place.

This was a bad move, instead of creating our own lives together, it was almost as if we reverted back to our teenage years and it just wasn't healthy for anyone living there. We had a neighbor who was in love with Brittany and always in her head about what a bad guy I was, and rumors that he had heard. Her Mom, while somewhat supportive, openly said that she knew it wasn't going to last. It was just negativity all around.

What led to me leaving was a fight, one of the few we had. She had taken a friend of hers to the movies as a thank you for helping her work out (he was a personal trainer). I didn't find out about it, until we were at TJ's graduation party and she mentioned it while sitting at a table with her brother, her uncle and I. Later that night I told her that I wasn't happy about it, especially since it was a movie that I had told her I wanted to go see with her. Needless to say she went through with it anyway, and even though nothing happened, it ate at me inside.

The night before we were going to move out, she wrote me a letter asking me if it was what I wanted, and that I should really think about what we were about to do. I was still VERY pissed off about the movie date, and didn't allow myself to REALLY read what she had wrote. I pretty much snapped and decided then and there that I was done. Packed up my stuff and I left.

I thought it would be best if I moved away to start over fresh, so I moved up with my parents for a little bit. Now this is where things get very interesting. Brittany and I started talking again, and at first I wasn't sure what I wanted, I needed some time but I didn't get enough. Before I knew what had happened, she had met a guy and started to date. We continued to talk, and she continued to deny that her and this guy were dating, there was plenty of hurt feelings to go around.

I pretty much told her that I deserved what she was doing and that I would wait for her, or an answer to us ever being together again. And that leads me to where I am today. Nearly two years later and I'm still in love with her, but I talk to her less and less. I don't want to say that she no longer cares about me at all, but its quite obvious that I've more or less become just another guy to her.

I really hate to give up on her, I really feel as tho she is the one, and I royally screwed up. I've tried to meet other girls, but nothing lasts because I'm always reminded of Brittany in one way or another. I quit trying to meet girls for awhile, but now I'm getting very lonely. I needed something else to help take my mind off of Brittany so I started putting money into my car. I love my car, and I love what I've done with it, and while it has helped somewhat, its just not enough.

I'm 28 years old, I live alone, I work second shift, and I live off the campus of three colleges. While I won't say I'm God's gift to woman, I don't think I'm ugly either. And yet, I can't meet girls at all. Some say that my standards are too high because of Brittany, others say I'm going to the wrong places to meet them. These people, however, are guys.

First let me say that I'm not a party guy, I don't go to bars because I really don't drink, and I hate smoke. I don't even think that I'm asking for too much when looking for girls. If you don't smoke, and you don't have kids, thats a huge step. But for whatever reason, it seems that any girl I meet is either 8+ years younger than me, or they are my age with kids, and pretty much all smokers.

First of all, do I just give up on Brittany all together? I mean its like we go through these stages where we will hang out quite often and have a lot of fun (last year we did a haunted house together, went to a theme park, quite a few movies), nothing sexual would happen, I wouldn't even talk about us (because thats a sure fire way to get her to shut me out), we just have fun like we used to. Its really hard to look past her with her still in the picture.

And if I do try to move on, where is a guy like me supposed to meet girls? I don't want to meet a girl in a bar, because they will continue to want to go to bars, something that I don't enjoy even remotely. Online is full of the younger crowd, or the single mothers that can't go out. And with my hours (3pm - 12am), it doesn't leave much time to really do much of anything anyway.

So be honest and straight forward with me, what can I do?


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post #2 of 18 (permalink) Old 05-01-2010, 09:38 AM
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Re: ladies, I need your advice!

As a friendly reminder to the guys, please refrain from posting in the ladies lounge. insaniti came to me asking for permission to post here, and has asked specifically that no male members post in response.

So please respect his wishes. You are more than welcome to PM him, but let's keep this area to the ladies only.

Thanks!
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post #3 of 18 (permalink) Old 05-02-2010, 06:54 PM
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Re: ladies, I need your advice!

I actually don't think you deserved what she did. Her going out with another guy without at least telling you ahead of time was insensitive. Perhaps (not saying you did) you overreacted but I think if 2 people love each other and care about each other, they will consider the other person's feelings ahead of time. If she wanted to be with you, she would.

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post #4 of 18 (permalink) Old 05-02-2010, 09:13 PM
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Re: ladies, I need your advice!

[quote author=insaniti link=topic=171855.msg3640983#msg3640983 date=1272699349]
So as a compromise, we moved in with her Mom.[/quote]
Problem #1. As you said, you needed to build your own lives together.

Quote:
She had taken a friend of hers to the movies as a thank you for helping her work out (he was a personal trainer). I didn't find out about it, until we were at TJ's graduation party and she mentioned it while sitting at a table with her brother, her uncle and I.
This was a really rude thing for her to do. I don't hang out with a guy one on one, especially going to the movies, and wouldn't ever do something like that without saying something to my bf first.

Quote:
The night before we were going to move out, she wrote me a letter asking me if it was what I wanted, and that I should really think about what we were about to do.
Er... problem #2. Sounds like she was kind of questioning all this herself, and to wait until the night before you guys were to move out? Come on, give me a break...

Quote:
Brittany and I started talking again, and at first I wasn't sure what I wanted, I needed some time but I didn't get enough. Before I knew what had happened, she had met a guy and started to date. We continued to talk, and she continued to deny that her and this guy were dating, there was plenty of hurt feelings to go around.
Gahhhh problem #3! No offense, but this girl sounds rude and disrespectful to you.

Quote:
I pretty much told her that I deserved what she was doing
You didn't deserve any of that, unless you're leaving out parts of the story

Quote:
and that I would wait for her
Horrible thing to say to a girl, esp one that's dating another guy

Quote:
or an answer to us ever being together again.
See above. My ex did something similar, actually. I know this makes me sound like a bitch, but I told him that maybe we could get back together somewhere down the road. However, I said this mainly because he kept threatening to hurt himself or others, so I didn't want him going off the deep end by saying "there's no way we're getting back together". Ahh going down a tangent...

Quote:
Nearly two years later and I'm still in love with her, but I talk to her less and less.
Good.

Quote:
I don't want to say that she no longer cares about me at all, but its quite obvious that I've more or less become just another guy to her.
Good. Sounds like she's moved on. I think you know where I'm going with this...

Quote:
I really hate to give up on her, I really feel as tho she is the one, and I royally screwed up.
I've heard this before from my ex. Keyword.... EX. She isn't the one if she's not willing to be with you as well.

Quote:
First let me say that I'm not a party guy, I don't go to bars because I really don't drink, and I hate smoke.
I don't drink at all, I don't smoke, and I rarely go to bars. I also don't think I'm God's gift to the planet, but I don't think I'm butt ugly. Definitely not trying to brag, but I've had lots of boyfriends, and I never really went out "looking" for them, per say. Point is, there are people out there that fit your personality and what you're looking for. You just gotta kick back and let it happen and stop worrying about what isn't happening

Quote:
First of all, do I just give up on Brittany all together?
Yes.

Quote:
I mean its like we go through these stages where we will hang out quite often and have a lot of fun (last year we did a haunted house together, went to a theme park, quite a few movies), nothing sexual would happen, I wouldn't even talk about us (because thats a sure fire way to get her to shut me out), we just have fun like we used to. Its really hard to look past her with her still in the picture.
For the love of God, get her out of the picture and stop hanging out with her. Please. Stop. You're not helping yourself by doing so. You will never get past her if you keep hanging out together. You heard of the book "She's just not that into you"? Sorry to be blunt but, again, I was in a similar situation. After a while I felt I was ok to hang out with my ex as friends, but I could clearly see he wanted to be more than friends. I was grown up enough to put my foot down and decide we wouldn't hang out, for his sanity. Ironic that I'm seeing him next weekend after over a year, but it's a wedding, so not my choice :P

Quote:
And if I do try to move on, where is a guy like me supposed to meet girls?
Totally depends what you're into. I know you like modding your car, so what about car meets and shows? I know girls are kind of slim pickings there, but it's a start. Maybe something at a local DIY carwash? I live in an apartment complex, so I'm always seeing guys at the hose station here or at the DIY place. I know it's a little different since I'm a girl, but guys will frequently ask if I need/want help when I'm on the ground with the speed. Especially if the hood is open, god forbid! It's a really nice gesture though and it always makes me feel good to know someone cares enough to ask. You could be that guy - see a girl nearby and be like "oh, you need help with something?" or "nice car, want help drying it?" You like video games? There's lots of nerdy game events where you could meet a girl that's into that stuff. I dunno. If you don't want a girl who drinks and does the bar scene though, don't kid yourself and go to a bar.

Quote:
So be honest and straight forward with me, what can I do?
Get her out of the picture. You'll never move on otherwise.

Geez, sorry for the novel
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post #5 of 18 (permalink) Old 05-02-2010, 10:00 PM Thread Starter
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Re: ladies, I need your advice!

obviously there are some things that are left out, I didn't want you all to read an entire book for some advice. the things that were left out, would not change the situation. now when I said that I deserved what she did, I mean after I left her. she had the right to move on and didn't owe me an explanation or anything. I did just leave, we didn't talk about it, I didn't explain anything, I literally just left. and that was very wrong of me.

when I said that I would wait for her, she wasn't dating anything. the guy she was seeing for awhile was exactly what I knew he was, a rebound. she was lonely and he was there. she doesn't want to be with anyone right now (or for the last 8 months), and has been concentrating on getting to a place in her life where she wants to be. she just recently started a new (much better) job.

We have actually planned a day for this coming weekend where we are going to get together and just talk about whats going on. Im either going to come away with some clarity or closure. thanks for all the responses, I'll let you know what happens.


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post #6 of 18 (permalink) Old 05-03-2010, 10:47 AM
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Re: ladies, I need your advice!

I honestly think that being with her is unhealthy for you. She does not sounds like a very nice person... and it's pretty obvious she doesn't respect you. If she went to a movie YOU WANTED TO SEE with a guy YOU DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT without telling you then came out to tell you during a dinner around family, that is pretty damn shady. That right there shows you no respect. I would NEVER go anywhere without telling my significant other. Yes, I have male friends, but I always ask him if he's alright if I go out or something.

I think it's time to forget her all together and move on. Yes, it's hard to find people nowadays.... but you can't give up hope on new women.


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post #7 of 18 (permalink) Old 05-03-2010, 10:57 AM
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Re: ladies, I need your advice!

Dude, stop defending her.
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post #8 of 18 (permalink) Old 05-03-2010, 11:04 AM
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Re: ladies, I need your advice!

[quote author=ginanana link=topic=171855.msg3643065#msg3643065 date=1272898665]
Dude, stop defending her.
[/quote]

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post #9 of 18 (permalink) Old 05-04-2010, 01:36 PM
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Re: ladies, I need your advice!

[quote author=crazyduckme link=topic=171855.msg3643058#msg3643058 date=1272898039]
I honestly think that being with her is unhealthy for you. She does not sounds like a very nice person... and it's pretty obvious she doesn't respect you. If she went to a movie YOU WANTED TO SEE with a guy YOU DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT without telling you then came out to tell you during a dinner around family, that is pretty damn shady. That right there shows you no respect. I would NEVER go anywhere without telling my significant other. Yes, I have male friends, but I always ask him if he's alright if I go out or something.
[/quote]
RESPECT. It's very important in a relationship. I agree with you 100%

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post #10 of 18 (permalink) Old 05-05-2010, 12:35 AM
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Re: ladies, I need your advice!

I agree with the other ladies, what she did is something that no woman should do to their man and the same for the man to do to his woman.

I recently finished my premarital counseling with my pastor who is marrying Andreas and I, and one part of the counseling was he asked if we had many friends outside of the relationship, in all honesty we dont. We rely much on our relationship to keep ourselves happy in life, not that we dont want to have friends its just the time with work and everything...ok anyways enough of my rambling. One part that he made very clear is that as it is ok to have friends that are opposite sex it is something he stressed we dont have too much. The reason for this is because as much as you trust one another, if you go out with that friend of the opposite gender your significant other will always have a fear in the back of there mind, and once you plant that fear its hard to get rid of it. For your situation she didnt tell you at all, then kept if from you, why? Why would so do that if she loved and respected you, if she wanted to do that she should have at least invited you or asked you how you feel about it. The problem is she did it, and that hurt you and broke your relationship up, if it was enough to do that you wont get that trust back.

Sounds like you just need to move on, be friends with her if you feel you can do that without bringing up any past feelings but thats about it. That was a chapter of your life and you need to look past it and find another girl. Actually dont even look, let that girl find you. If you must see her to make 100% sure that is what you want to do, then do it, you need to get rid of that what if feeling, but dont give up on yourself an dont settle just because you THINK you want to make it work.

That is my #1 rule for relationships, dont settle, if your going to get back with her but you needed our advice or input I fear you are going to see her, old feelings will return for the moment and things will be great, but then the issues will come back and your going to settle for her, not want her. Be careful, I know divorce seems to be an easy way out now a days but it is too common. So please do what makes you happy and stick with it.


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