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post #1 of 3 (permalink) Old 08-09-2007, 03:43 AM Thread Starter
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What would you ladies do in my shoes?

Hey girls! Lara's thread gave me the sudden desire to ask you girls what you would do in my relationship situation. Before I do though I want to give you some background about it first:

My boyfriend and I have been together for 1 year this September 20th and girls he is the one. I want to marry him and he feels the same way about me. We didnt always get along, we knew eachother in high school and for our entire time being there we hated one another. When I say hate I mean HATE! We just couldnt relate to one another and we both basically put this huge wall of defense that anything we had in common would not have mattered. He was friends with my what was then boyfriend. They stopped talking and hanging out though after graduation. I dated my last boyfriend for 3 years, he was over baring, over controlling I mean I could not see or hangout with my friends, he didnt trust me and he would spy on me so much he hacked my myspace and AIM and questioned all these things....anyways this isnt about him. Needless to say that was a dead end relationship, so i broke up with him. A few months later Andreas (that is my boyfriends name so ill start addressing him that way) walks into my job as I was working with his friend Adam (who I knew since I was 6 but never got along with). They see me and ask me how I have been and so on, I told them how I broke up with the jerk off and they were like do you want to hang out after work, so I was like sure why not. Now there is one thing I didnt add about Andreas, for some reason when I would sign on to AIM and I saw his SN I would talk to him once in a while and this was when we didnt like eachother. For me not liking him I would confide in him my problems...why I dont know but I must have felt something that I wasnt accepting at the time where I could trust him. Now back to me hanging out with him after work. I call him up and I go to Adams house where they were. We hangout laughed and had a good time, we got hungry so we went to Applebees where wouldnt you know it my ex boyfriend was there with his friends. We could tell they were getting upset so out of fun Andreas put his arm around me and walked me out to his car and opened the door for me. This was just to piss my ex off, because me being his ex girlfriend was suddenly seen with his ex friend.....go figure. Things sort of blossomed into this amazing relationship that I couldnt ask for more.

Now here is where things get tricky, his parents.....to give you an idea i have been with him for almost a year and not once met or talked to his father....here is why:

He was not born here in America, he was born and raised during his young part of his life in Turkey, he then moved to America with his mother, father and sister after issues with Muslims not accepting his family because they were Christian, so they had to come to America due to threats. His family is very firm in their Christian faith, very firm in him marrying a Turkish girl or a girl that follows their culture, and in no way is his father ok with him being 1. in a relationship and 2. in a relationship with an American girl. His mother was the same way but her biggest thing was the fact I was in a 3 year relationship, she knows im not a virgin before I went out with him, she is afraid I might just up and leave her son. She doesnt really know my side of the story though and reasons for why I had to leave that relationship. She also didnt like how I didnt go to church either. I want to make it work with my boyfriend more then ever, and I wasnt raised in a heavily religious family, but it didnt mean I didnt want to try. So I decided I want to prove to her how much I love her son and that I was serious about learning more about my Christianity. Surprisingly it took me only one time going to church for her to talk to me, and that made me feel so good. So as far as I know the mother likes me, and I like her. And I LOVE his sister and little brother as they like me as well. So I am slowly growing closer to her. Now for the father, he hasnt budged as far as I know. Andreas doesnt like to talk about it much because I know it hurts him. What really hurt me and I know it hurt him when this was said, but his sister told me that if we were to get married his father would not attend the wedding. All I want is a chance from his Dad, for him to know me, to let me in so I can at least learn their culture. I will do anything for Andreas, and I will especially do anything to prove to his family that I love him and I want to be with him for the rest of my life. Andreas told me just to give him time, but sometimes I just feel like going up to him and talking to him, send him a letter telling him about me that I would like to meet and talk to him face to face. Anything! I just hate being judged before someone gets to know me first, it hurts and I know its killing Andreas inside.

I am sorry this was such a long long post, I hope you girls were able to bare with it. There is probably much more I could add to make things more clear to you all, but with the info I gave what would you do in my situation? When you know you want to marry a guy that means the whole world to you but the only thing that might get in the way of any happiness is the father? I also fear the rest of the family other then his parents wont except me because they feel the same way as the father does. My family on the other hand LOVES him and think we are perfect for eachother, they always joke asking when are we going to get married? lol

So thats my story for now. Anyone wish to share their 2 cents?

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post #2 of 3 (permalink) Old 08-09-2007, 12:46 PM
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Re: What would you ladies do in my shoes?

Andreas is right, his dad needs time. My dad is kind of like Andreas dad. I am Hispanic and my dad wants me to eventually marry a Hispanic man. I know its not racism - i call it PRIDE. Many old school guys from other countries have this arrogant mentality that all of their children must marry with in the same race/nationality. I saw it with my best friend's older sister. She was in love with someone who was black, but her dad always rejected their relationship. So they went and got married, of course her dad didn't talk to her for about a year (nor did he attend the wedding), but eventually he grew to like and respect her husband.

Does Andreas have a close relationship with his Dad? Or does it just bother him the fact that his dad doesn't accept it? IMO the love is between you two, not the family. Family is something very important but if it stands in your way of being happy then screw them.

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post #3 of 3 (permalink) Old 08-09-2007, 07:16 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What would you ladies do in my shoes?

Thanks Piratekitty I appreciate your feedback. I will definitely give his father time, I just sometimes feel like taking the leap and talking to him. I respect the fact that his father wants his son to marry in the same culture, I understand that. They are actually registered white here in America when technically I think they would be middle eastern, so its not really a race thing. I know if I was with someone who was black or Jewish my parents would have an issue but in my case its neither. I am just not used to a parent not liking me, especially when they dont know me. He is kind of close to his Dad, Andreas I think is a little scared of his father, the biggest thing is he doesnt want his entire family to just stop talking him and basically put him in exile. I guess it happened to a relative of his, maybe a cousin who married an American and the whole family stopped talking to them. It will not get in the way of my happiness, I just fear it will be something that may turn into something in the future say when we do get married and he still isnt ok with us. I dont expect 100% acceptance, I knew from the beginning of our relationship I would have to go through this, he actually warned me about it. But I dont care because I will be with Andreas for the rest of my life. At least I have the Mother being ok with me. The father I am sure will eventually learn to accept me if he knows we plan to marry. What I found shocking was something his mother told him. His lease at his apartment (which he moved out mainly because of me and knew he couldnt live at home with them not liking me) is up in October, his mom offered to move back home which would be good for him financially. His only doubt about going back will mean no time with me, and he doesnt want that. The mom did say I could come over I just cant be alone with him with closed doors, which I can 100% respect. Then he asked what about his dad, the only time I am over there is when the father isnt home yet, so she said (and this is the shocking part) to Andreas "well im sure if you guys got engaged then it would be ok for you to be more alone together and she could be over while your father is home". This coming from someone who was not ok with us at one point. I was soooo happy when he told me this. Even his Sister who is 16 knows I want to marry Andreas. So in due time I guess ill be more patient, but if he father thinks he can go a lifetime without once facing me or attending our wedding he has another thing coming, at that point I will talk to him myself and get his input about me straight from him.

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